Which he as proudly entertained, 630 As th' other courteously strained; And, to assure him 'twas not that

635

6

He looked for, bid him put on 's hat.
Quoth he, There is one Sidrophel
Whom I have cudgelled '—'Very well-
'And now he brags t' have beaten me'.
Better, and better still,' quoth he—
'And vows to stick me to a wall,

Where 'er he meets me '-'Best of all ''Tis true the knave has taken 's oath 640 That I robbed him'-' Well done, in troth 'When h' has confessed he stole my cloak, And picked my fob, and what he took; Which was the cause that made me bang him,

And take my goods again'-'Marry, hang him '—

645 Now, whether I should beforehand,

Swear he robbed me?'-'I understand'

'Or bring my action of conversion

And trover for my goods?'-'Ah, whoreson !'
'Or, if 'tis better to endite,

650 And bring him to his trial ? '—' Right ’—

'Prevent what he designs to do,

And swear for th' state against him?'-'True'—

'Or whether he that is defendant,

In this case, has the better end on't;

655 Who, putting in a new cross-bill,

May traverse the action?

'Better still.'

Then there's a lady too.'-'Ay, marry'-
That's easily proved accessary;

A widow, who by solemn vows,

660 Contracted to me for my spouse,

Combined with him to break her word,
And has abetted all '-' Good Lord!'-

'Suborned th' aforesaid Sidrophel To tamper with the devil of hell, 665 Who put m' into a horrid fear, Fear of my life'-'Make that appear 'Made an assault with fiends and men Upon my body'-'Good again'— And kept me in a deadly fright, 670 And false imprisonment, all night. Meanwhile they robbed me, and my horse, And stole my saddle'-'Worse and worse.' 'And made me mount upon the bare ridge T' avoid a wretcheder miscarriage.'

675

'Sir,' quoth the lawyer, 'not to flatter ye,
You have as good and fair a battery
As heart can wish and need not shame
The proudest man alive to claim:

For if th' have used you as you say,
680 Marry, quoth I, God give you joy;
I would it were my case, I'd give
More than I'll say, or you'll believe:
I would so trounce her, and her purse,
I'd make her kneel for bett'r or worse;
685 For matrimony, and hanging here,
Both go by destiny so clear,

That you as sure may pick and choose,
As cross I win, and pile you lose :
As if I durst, I would advance
690 As much in ready maintenance,
As upon any case I've known;
But we that practice dare not own:
The law severely contrabands

Our taking business off men's hands; 695 'Tis common barratry, that bears

Point-blank an action 'gainst our ears,

And crops them till there is not leather,
To stick a pin in left of either ;

For which some do the summer-sault,
700 And o'er the bar, like tumblers, vault :
But you may swear at any rate,
Things not in nature for the state;
For in all courts of justice here

705

710

715

720

725

730

A witness is not said to swear,

But make oath, that is in plain terms,
To forge whatever he affirms.'

'I thank you,' quoth the knight, 'for that, Because 'tis to my purpose pat.'

6

For justice, though she's painted blind,
Is to the weaker side inclined,

Like charity; else right and wrong
Could never hold it out so long,
And, like blind fortune, with a sleight,
Convey men's interest, and right,
From Stiles's pocket into Nokes's,

As easily as hocus pocus;

Plays fast and loose, makes men obnoxious;
And clear again, like hiccius doctius.

Then whether you would take her life,
Or but recover her for your wife,
Or be content with what she has,
And let all other matters pass,
The business to the law's alone;
The proof is all it looks upon;

And

.

you can want no witnesses,
To swear to anything you please,
That hardly get their mere expenses
By th' labour of their consciences,
Or letting out, to hire, their ears
To affidavit-customers,

At inconsiderable values,

To serve for jurymen or tales,

Although retained in th' hardest matters
Of trustees and administrators.'

735 'For that,' quoth he, 'let me alone;
W' have store of such, and all our own,
Bred up and tutored by our teachers,
Th' ablest of conscience-stretchers.'

'That's well,' quoth he, but I should guess,

740 By weighing all advantages,

745

Your surest way is first to pitch

On Bongey for a water-witch;

And when y' have hanged the conjurer,
Y' have time enough to deal with her.
In th' interim spare for no trepans

To draw her neck into the banns;
Ply her with love-letters and billets,
And bait 'em well for quirks and quillets,
With trains t' inveigle, and surprise
750 Her heedless answers and replies;
As if she miss the mouse-trap lines,
They'll serve for other by-designs;
And make an artist understand,
To copy out her seal, or hand;
Or find void places in the paper,

755

To steal in something to entrap her;
Till, with her worldly goods, and body,
Spite of her heart, she has endowed ye:
Retain all sorts of witnesses,

760 That ply i' th' Temple, under trees,

Or walk the round, with knights o' th' posts,
About the cross-legged knights, their hosts;
Or wait for customers between

The pillar-rows in Lincoln's-inn ;

765 Where vouchers, forgers, common-bail,
And affidavit-men ne'er fail

T'expose to sale all sorts of oaths,
According to their ears and clothes,
Their only necessary tools,

770 Besides the Gospel, and their souls;

775

And when y' are furnished with all purveys,
I shall be ready at your service.'

I would not give,' quoth Hudibras,

'A straw to understand a case,

Without the admirable skill

To wind and manage it at will;
To veer, and tack, and steer a cause,
Against the weather-gage of laws;
And ring the changes upon cases,
780 As plain as noses upon faces;
As you have well instructed me,
For which y' have earned,

785

here 'tis,-your fee.

I long to practise your advice,
And try the subtle artifice;
To bait a letter, as you bid '-

As, not long after, thus he did;
For, having pumped up all his wit,
And hum'd upon it, thus he writ.