English Visitor in Paris hat-shop. "ER-J'AI BESOIN D'UN CHAPEAU TRANQUILLE, PARCE Should any old-fashioned "NOT AT HOME." and conservative acquaintance commit ACCORDING to a Society paper, the the gaucherie of paying you an aftergood old custom of paying calls is noon call, and insist on being seen, dying out. Whether this is due to he or she should be politely shown the craze for ballooning and its atten- into the bath-room, as, of course, dant uncertainties in the matter of drawing-rooms are now obsolete. transit and arrival, to the general Morning callers, if equally insistent, not-at-homeness of Society conse- may be interviewed in the backyard quent on motoring and week-ends, to or the area. This will generally the spread of Socialism and fear of prove a deterrent. broken bottles, or to the rage for souvenir-hunting, we are unable to say. We note, however, that the manuals of etiquette are being revised and brought up to date. Witness the following excerpts from Manners While You Wait (Stop-press edition): When, on the other hand, it is incumbent on yourself to visit in person at a friend's house with any formal object, say, of condolence or congratulation, it is considered sufficient in leading circles to go armed with a piece of chalk and scribble your initials on the paint of the front door, adding such appropriate sentiIments as may occur. Any butcher's boy will give you hints in this direction. You can then ring the bell and run away. The best houses now have a small notice-board fastened on to the porch with "No Callers, Circulars or Bottles "legibly painted thereon. Springguns and man-traps have also become highly popular in country districts, and have been found effective in curbing rural gossip. Visiting-cards are quite démodées, and are taken to indicate that you are a commercial traveller, or have called for the rates. Do not be surprised, therefore, if the dog is let loose. Burglars and others paying less ceremonial calls are recommended to take in The Lady, and keep themselves au courant with the latest developments of etiquette. A true gentleman of the road should always avoid wounding the feelings of even an involuntary host, and make his visits as unobtrusive as possible. BRITANNIA (to KEIR HARDIE). "HERE, YOU'D BETTER COME HOME. WE KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU THERE, AND YOU'LL DO LESS HARM!" Sportsman (who has come off over the tail). "You SILLY ASS, YOU NEEDN'T LAUGH. CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THE REINS WERE SO SLIPPERY I COULDN'T GET ANY HOLD!" India has many races, many creeds, Who live just now at rest, because they 're made to; Some go in pleasantly for warlike deeds; Some are afraid to; And possibly his friends forgot to state That with the dawn of "India as a Nation Poor little soul! He ought to take a turn He'd learn of races loyal to a fault, Men with no use for petty agitators, Of soldiers that have been too often led Who 'd look him over with experienced eyes, And then they 'd take him sternly by the nape, Like a pricked bladder. DUM-DUM, THE DIABOLIST. (SECOND EDITION.) [NOTE. The author-an Englishman, with traces of Scots blood in his veins, and a great admiration for the Irish is determined that the Old Country shall not be put to shame by a wretched French child.] I CAME up the drive, carelessly spinning the spool with my left hand and swinging my umbrella in the right. Every now and then I would jerk the bobbin into the air, catch it on the umbrella, and run it up to the silver band round the top, when it would think better of it and hurry back on to the string again. I was doing this for the eighty-seventh time as I reached the house, and I managed to ring the bell without losing position. "Two hundred and ninety-five, two hundred and ninety-six-Is anybody at home, JAMES?-two hundred and ninety-seven." sir." Miss MARY is in the garden, times, she got off and went back to 66 Yes, I see." "Well, I have two; but 66 Would you lend me one? I'll give it you back." She tied the lace on to the ends of the tongs, opened them out, and balanced the coal-box on the loop. And, do you know, I cannot-I simply cannot-do that more than four thousand nine hundred and Of course I ninety-eight times. "The spinning is easy enough, broke the record all right." you know, she said, "but I can't You broke what? promise to catch it more than twenty "The East Anglian record. But I times. JAMES is said to have done can't get up to five thousand. it twenty-one times, which is the Every time I stop at four thousand Home Counties record, but of nine hundred and ninety-eight. course he has to do it before any of Why is it? us are down, so we can't say if it's really true. Probably four thousand nine 44 I got up and began to spin. 44 This is rather neat," I said; 'but, of course, quite simple.' I threw the bobbin high into the air, and started very rapidly to recite WORDSWORTH'S Excursion. ... Nineteen, twenty, twentyone, twenty-two, twen- Bother! Hooray, I must tell JAMES." "I don't know that I like these fancy tricks," I said. "That muffin one, of course, was all right, and the tongs performance is-well, not uninteresting, but I hold that the diabolist who sticks to his own proper implements is the truest sportsman. I may be unambitious, but for me it is enough to have caught the spool a few thousand times, with my eyes blindfolded and my hands tied behind my Two hundred and ninety-eight, two hundred and ninety-nine, three hundred. The South Eastern Counties record, JAMES. You 're a wit. . A-snow-white-ram-and-in-back, without fooling about with a ness. In the garden? Then I'll the crystal flood- another-and-the- grand piano and things." go through." same-Bother," I ended in a breath, But you did the muffin very as I caught the spool. "I finished neatly." it yesterday all right. Still I got well into Book Nine, which isn't so bad.” Splendid," said Miss MIDDLETON. "I can never do much while mine's in the air. I suppose I don't get it high enough." "It's a matter of practice. You start with an epigram-Ich Dien, or something of that sort, and work up through KEATS' Odes and Maud to the Excursion, which is the North London record. The Faery Queen, of course, is one's ambition. "I did rather a good thing the other day that I want to show you. But let 's go in and have some tea first." We had muffins for tea. I particularly like muffins. I took the thickest I could find, and began to spin it on my diabolo string. Then I threw it in the air, and caught it in my mouth. "That 's neat," said Miss MIDDLETON. "Of course, you want rather a -I mean there are some peopleWhat I mean is that it isn't everybody who could do that." That is the Welsh record," I said simply. "One. It beats all the previous records by one." Miss MIDDLETON suddenly went over to the fireplace. "Have you a bootlace on you? she asked, |