cheon the negro patient. The medical profession his choice each week, so that, if he is delighted at the decision, which wins, the prize may be a big one. should mean more business for them, on the snowball principle. ** It is wonderful how some people get on. An outfitter who arrived After all the giant liner about to Poland in 1896 has just failed for no penniless in this country from be built for the Hamburgh-America less a sum than £6,000. Line is to do no more than 18 knots. ** In consequence of Sir LAUDER BRUNTON'S having declared that fleas constitute a national danger, a war of extermination is feared, and many of the poor little mites, usually so lively, are said to be hiding, panicstricken, in out-of-the-way places. We have received from "An Animal Lover" a long letter cham Bishop FERGUSON. A THAT'S THE SECOND TIME HE'S PUT MY GRUB AT THE WRONG END!" KEEPER pioning these social outcasts, in which he draws attention to the flea's love of human society, and points out that in their company one never has a single dull moment. ** * Miss GLADYS VANDERBILT, it is announced, is to be married to Count SZECHENYI by no fewer than three ceremonies, the first of which will be performed by Mayor MCCLELLAN, the second at the Roman Catholic Cathedral, and the third at the Protestant Episcopal Church. This gives one some idea of the that a Georgia negro has qualified for The tendency for the seasons to enormous wealth of the bride. ** ing. Although the Silly Season is over, a marrow measuring 3 ft. 2 ins. Mr. THOMAS A. EDISON announces has, we learn from The Express, that, as a result of an invention been picked in the garden of Mr. which he has perfected, it will be SAM LINES, of Redcar. possible shortly for every one to have a motor-car. A sharp rise is expected in Necropolitans. "The progress of automobilism," says the Paris correspondent of The Sunday Times, is no doubt preparing the time when the principal use of horses will be for the dinner table." "And the same fate, says an Irishman, "will no doubt ultimately befall motor-cars when they in their turn are ousted by flying machines." A magistrate has decided that a doctor may drive his motor-car at an excessive speed on his way to see a ** ** Sad results of the American financial crisis are reported. It is said that several multi-millionaires have been reduced to the ranks of mere millionaires, and that they are being cut by their former equals, who refuse to have anything to do with paupers. It is rumoured that several of the unsuccessful competitors in a Limerick contest which had for its object "Mr. HARRY LAUDER, the wellthe pushing of the sale of a certain ment of the result, been cigarette have, since the announce- known comedian, and Mr. GEORGE seen FOSTER, ex-member of the London smoking a rival brand of cigarette. County Council, sail for America by If this be true, it is a shocking the Lucania to-morrow," says The exhibition of petty spite. Daily Mail. This seems a strange combination, and reminds us of a careless paragraph which appeared some little time ago: ** One of the most interesting modern Limerick competitors is said to live at Gotham, in the shape "DISTINGUISHED INVALIDS. of an old gentleman, who sends in Sir Henry Campbell-Bannerman, an immense quantity of last lines the Archbishop of Canterbury, and (with postal orders) to the paper of Miss Marie Lloyd are all doing well.' VOL. CXXXIII. TO AN AMALGAMATED PORTER, [The application of the following lines will not be affected by any temporary settlement that may be arranged in the present railway crisis.] So you 're of those that bow the knee to BELL, Waiting on his command to stay or go? And this may suit you both extremely well, You and your god, but what I wish to know Is-Do you really think a general strike Is just what I should like? When with your charming candour you admit A d My stocks are falling, and their produce fails, So to my point. You've put me in the train- Mind you, I rank your service very high, Mr. OSCAR ASCHE will have the sympathy of all playgoers who read the announcement this morning that Marquis CLEGG had decided to withdraw the licence which he recently granted for the production of As You Like It. The Marquis, having studied the play carefully, has noted the passage in which Touchstone is credited with saying, Trip, Audrey," and in con∙ sequence he is forced to the conclusion that, until both Touchstone and Audrey have affiliated themselves to the Football Association, it will be impossible for him to allow any further performances of the comedy to take place. This bears a little hardly upon Mr. ASCHE, but one would hesitate to say that his lordship was illadvised. One would hesitate ever to say such a thing of Marquis Clegg, The recent panic in New York has been partially allayed by the high-minded conduct of a disinterested Englishman-no less a person indeed than Duke CLEGG. On receipt of the news of the disastrous rush upon the banks, his Grace immediately cabled over to America, offering to sell all the professionals belonging to the Football Association, and to put the proceeds Nor grudge the payment, though you pouch it (which are expected to amount to several millions) twice; (Being an Englishman I often buy Civil attentions at the current price, But now, with strikes for ever in the air, O. S. entirely at the disposal of the Knickerbocker Trust. The only stipulation Duke CLEGG makes is that, in accordance with the well-known rule of the Football Association, the knickerbocker must come at least below the knee. * * * * * * * * * * * * The letter which Archbishop CLEGG has just given to the Press upon the vexed question of the Deceased Wife's Sister will be received with general satisfaction by Englishmen of all creeds. The Archbishop holds the scales evenly between the two parties of Church and State. His opinion, in fact, given after mature consideration, is that where both the man and the woman are members of the Football Association the THE CLEGGISLATOR. marriage may take place with perfect propriety, but special meeting of the Council of the Football that if one of the contracting parties has neglected to Association (Limited-5 per cent. discount for cash), be so affiliated the marriage should on no account be held at High Holborn yesterday, it was decided by a solemnised. Archbishop CLEGG will greatly enhance his large majority, including Mr. PICKLEY, the well-known position by this pronouncement. triple blue, Mr. BENTFORD, the famous international, and the joint presidents Mr. J. C. KINNAIRD and Lord The arrangements for the coming visit of His CLEGG, to carry on the boycott against the seceding Imperial Majesty the KAISER to this country are now amateurs with even greater sternness than before. settled. One of the most interesting functions will take future any tradesman supplying an amateur with place at the well-known offices in High Holborn, where materials for the game without express permission from His Majesty will be presented by Mr. PICKLEY to Viscount CLEGG, will be suspended indefinitely; while, if Emperor CLEGG, after which it is said that he will have the offence be repeated, he will be severely reprimanded conferred upon him the freedom of the Football Associa by his lordship. Attention having been called to the tion. This meeting of the two Emperors is likely to fact that a certain royal prince had, by taking up his become historic. residence at Cambridge, come under the ban of the Football Association, it was unanimously agreed that Mr. PICKLEY should write and warn him of the serious consequences that would ensue if he persisted in his defiant attitude. * SCANDAL IN THE SMART SET.-All the employees on the Great Central Railway have been asked whether The news that Earl CLEGG had offered his services as they are Society men or not. A SUMMONS HAS BEEN SERVED ON A WELL-KNOWN M. F. H. IN LEICESTERSHIRE FOR NOT HAVING COLLARS ON HIS PACK OF HOUNDS, WITH OWNER'S NAME AND ADDRESS ENGRAVED THEREON. WE VENTURE TO MAKE A FURTHER SUGGESTION. A CHAIN WHILE HUNTING. ALL HOUNDS MUST BE MUZZLED AND LED ON MULTUM IN PARVO. THE advertisement of "The Clock that Boils Water, wakes you, lights lamp, boils one pint of water, pours housedog, retriever, setter, Newfoundland, Great St. Bernard, as per NEEDLES AND NERVES. size required; barks when foot is ["Placidity, restfulness, patience belong, to placed on it, once for laymen, twice the plier of the needle: there is nothing like it for clergymen, three times, with as a nerve-soother."-The Lady.] out, puts out lamp, and sounds growl, for duns, shows teeth to WHEN Mother marks the haughty gong when tea is ready, without scrape boots, wipes same with tail, pose human aid," is only the first an- lets go foot when door is answered, Of MARY JANE, she simply sews; nouncement of the numerous useful keeps bell ringing till then, without And household hitches and compendious inventions which human aid. In ordering, average Are swallowed up in satin-stitches. are likely to come before the public size of visitors' feet should be given. When Father finds the Fates malign, in this age of enlightenment and The Egg-cup that Calls a Cab, in- And almost is induced to dine Radio-activity and Sir OLIVER valuable for man of business, makes On prussic acid, eggs fresh, boils as desired, opens, He crochets till his mind is placid. extracts chicken where necessary; When Auntie suffers from the sting savours with salt and pepper, tucks Of spinsterhood or anything napkin under chin, feeds you, turns That once annoyed her, pages of morning paper, spreads She now commences to embroider. bread and marmalade to follow, and whistles for four-wheeler, hansom, or And when I miss a two-inch putt, taximo, without human aid. I don't observe "Oh The Pulpit that Intones, locks Ere I have said it, LODGE. In this connection we are able to mention several combinations of the same kind, which struck us as especially adapted to the public's needs. it," but, "Books which have influenced me." The Bookcase that Ventilates, stops revolving when book is wanted, hands it, or if it is a volume of The Times Encyclopædia throws it at you, puts in paper-knife at right doors of church when mounted by I take a needle out and thread it. place, prevents snoring, marks where preacher, turns down lights, starts you leave off, replaces book, and electric shock along seats of all pews starts revolving again without so that attention is fixed, gives note Grandpa and the Alhambra. By A. F. human aid; provides excellent venti- for intonation, renews note twice Calvert." lation for any room in which it is during sermon, induces appropriate THIS, however, is not the moral found. gesticulation, announces final hymn story it appears to be, but The Daily The Scraper that Barks, for use at end of ten minutes, and dismisses News version of Mr. CALVERT'S outside front-door, made in shape of preacher, without human aid. Granada and the Alhambra.' 66 66 |