DETENTION. [Thoughts of an ex-M.P., who derives a sinister satisfaction from picturing the House of Commons at work during the greater part of August.] YES, you are sorry for yourselves, I know. Here's August come and holiday in the air, And everybody off to take a blow Somewhere-on-sea or Somewhere-else-sur-mer, The sitting grouse shall still sit on and yawn Ostend will miss you in her crowded brine This is the penalty that Greatness pays; The sacrifice (you think) your country asks Of its Elect to live laborious days While it (the country) goes elsewhere and basks. I thought so, too-before the general rout That chucked us others out. But I was wrong. You 're just a pack of boys (Not full-grown martyrs) who, when play-time comes, Having abused the hours in idle noise, Have got to stay behind and do their sums; The world outside won't worry, either way, Whether you go or stay. SPORTSMEN I HAVE KNOWN. EVERY year in the early spring, when the young gentlemen from Oxford and Cambridge appear at Putney in their racing boats, the gentlemen of the Press who are to chronicle their deeds sally forth on launches with pencils duly pointed and note-books prepared, and the conflict begins. I speak of it as a conflict, for some such word as that must be used to describe what actually takes place. You might think in your innocence that the undergraduate would be pleased to find his swing, his beginning and his finish held up to the admiration of the reading millions who from Land's End to John o' Groat's House award fame. Secretly, perhaps, he does feel this pleasure, but tradition ordains that he should carefully dissemble it. If you may believe him, he looks upon the reporter of his exploits with an aversion superior even to that which he reserves for the dons who gate him and the duns who pester him unseasonably for the payment of bills. Dons may be mollified and duns may, by the employment of simple strategies, be avoided or deferred-but the eye of the reporter is always on him between Putney and Mortlake, and, for the matter of that, between Henley Bridge and Hambledon Lock at a later period of the year. If you want to know what the much-blued youths really think, observe them as they read their papers on any training morning. They are sitting about their room after breakfast in various attitudes indicative of healthy repletion, and each one is absorbed in a paper. Stroke (indignantly, to himself and the world). Well, I'm- (anger chokes him, and he continues to read). This takes the bun. What awful rot! No. 7 (laughing loudly, but uneasily). Ha, ha! Ho, ho! This is the limit! Coach. What's up? No. 7. Only the usual rubbish. (He reads.) "Quickening to 38 they held the scratch crew for a few moments, only to fall behind again, when the Metropolitans an Yet, though the country, through your half-year's flight, swered the challenge. Do what they would they could Contrives to stagger on without your aid, You serve a sort of purpose, sitting tight This cheering thought shall speed me on my cruise O. S. "Wulstan: When you call at a house and find the lady at home, the servant asks your name either in the hall or outside the drawing room door, and you give it as 'Mrs. JONES' or 'Miss JONES,' whichever the case may be. The maid then calls out your name as she holds the drawing-room door open. The correct pronunciation of Mahomet is Mahěmět, and of Pepys, l'eps."-Girl's Own Paper. But surely, even in such cases as the last two, you don't have to spell your name to the maid-servant. NEWS by headlines is certainly one of the features of modern journalism, but there is a right and a wrong way of doing it. The Hastings Argus has, in our opinion, chosen the wrong way : "NEW DEAN OF SALISBURY. "The cruisers Drake, Antrim, and Black Prince sailed from Berehaven yesterday morning for Gibraltar." Cox (suddenly bounding into the air like an animal that has received a hurt). Oh, oh, oh! (He tears the paper to fragments and stamps it wildly under-foot). There I'm better now! (He subsides moodily into a seat.) Bow. What have they been saying about you, Cox? Cox. Only the old trash about losing two lengths by steering through Hammersmith. Bow. Well, you did go a bit wide, you know. Cox. I did exactly what I'd been told to do. But there's a shocking bit about you. (He searches amongst the torn fragments and finally selects one.) Listen to this:-" At this point Bow and No. 2 had evidently had enough. They hung out signals of distress which did not escape the vigilant eyes of Mr. MUTTLEBURY. It is possible thatI can't find the rest of it, but it hints that a change may be advisable. Bow. These chaps oughtn't to be allowed to live. Such is the spirit in which our Agamemnons of the [Mr. BIRRELL is suspected of having been "captured" by a party among whose camp-followers are some that are addicted to "cattle-driving."] 66 Tube Lift Attendant (to solitary female, with customary fierceness). "No SMOKING IN THE LIFT! STAND CLEAR OF THE GATES!" oar accept the efforts of the vates sacer who makes them a large colleague had insulted him on the Henley towglorious. Obviously the bard is doing his best. He path by knocking his note-book out of his hands-I saw ought not to be shot for carrying out faithfully the him, as I say, spring some two feet into the air and instructions of his editor and supplying his daily plant both his diminutive fists into the astonished face column of descriptive matter; but the undiscriminating of his aggressor. He never professed to have a very mind of the oarsman rejects him, and even goes so far close and skilful knowledge of the art and mystery of as to look with suspicion on the articles of those older rowing, but he boasted himself with justice to possess oars who add to their income by criticising the skill of a vigilance which allowed nothing to escape it. their successors. From this unreasoning attitude of "Nunquam dormio," he used to say, was on the execration one gentleman only, so far as I can spot," thus attributing to himself the time-honoured remember, was eventually omitted. This was the late motto printed under the open eye which used to be the Mr. ED. PLUMMER, of The Sporting Life. There was not badge of Bell's Life in London. He had a supple and much of Mr. PLUMMER. Generously measured, he effective style which enabled him to call an eight-oared may have stood sixty inches in his socks, but he was crew an octette of rowers," and to live on terms of round and of somewhat ample girth for his height. No easy familiarity with "Old Sol" (sometimes called more cheerful and active little man ever plied a pencil"Old Solus "), with Jupiter Pluvius (affectionately on the Putney tow-path. Neither the changes of the abbreviated to " Ju Plu "), and with other minor deities. weather nor the heavy chaff of those whose merits he of the heaven of sport. He soon won the favour of celebrated made any impression upon him. He oarsmen, and retained it to the end by his independence, always had a profound belief in himself, and could afford his cheerfulness, and his meritorious efforts after a pleasant answer to the few who tried at one time or accuracy. The tow-path knows him no more, but there another to be his detractors. He was highly esteemed are many who keep him in warm and kindly rememin circles beyond the aquatic, for his services were brance. often employed for the refereeing of boxing matches or walking races or other sporting events. He was the undoubted champion of the boxers of the world who scaled something less than bantam weight. He had not, I believe, fought his way to this sanguinary preeminence. He had issued his defiant challenge and it had never been taken up, for there were at that time WE hope the good old rule as to a batsman being out no other boxers in the world so small and light. That if he uses the wrong side of his bat is still in force in he could really box I am sure, for I saw him once, when | Durham. How they play Cricket in Durham. "ELLIOT was fairly puzzled with one of VOGLER'S Swerving deliveries, the ball striking the wicket off his pads. Fortunately the batsman had not struck the leather, and he therefore survived an appeal to the umpire."-Sunderland Daily Echo. HIGHWAYS AND BYWAYS IN CHAPTER THE LAST. mean practitioner with bat and ball. Never shall I forget the roar of apTHE REVOLUTION OF 1908. plause that went up from a score of [According to The Daily Express there is throats at Biddledon last summer danger of a Socialistic Revolution in England.] HAVING now shown the traveller the when the village champion at last LONDON was in a state of turmoil. principal beauties and points of in- reached single figures. A wild mob had tossed a Knight terest in this rich and storied county Upshire of course has its share of Grand Commander of the Primrose of Upshire we make our bow and proverbs and other sayings. Thus of League to the Trafalgar Square lions. take our leave. It may be considered a drunken man it is said: "So-and- Frightened peers disguised themthat every place of interest has not so is half seas over." Could anything selves as knife-grinders, theatrical been named; but then temperament be more expressive, especially inland? managers, and pot-boys. Mr. BONAR must be considered a little. All An old woman is sometimes called a LAW had been declared an outlaw literature is temperamental now, and goody," children are "brats." The and a price set on his head. Haphousewives in economic mood say pily Mr. AUSTEN CHAMBERLAIN, hav"Add little to little and you get ing divested himself of his eye-glass, much." How terse that is! Truly was undiscoverable in the crowds. the proverb is the wisdom of many Five Army Corps were in search of and the wit of one. Lord MIDLETON and Mr. ARNOLDFORSTER. Mr. LEO MAXSE was if nothing has been said of Pottington and Elgate, Allerton Towers, and the Rubble, we can only express our regret that such places do not happen to appeal to us. This is not a guide for the tripper, but a personal impression of Upshire. Hence we are entitled to our omissions. car Of Upshire customs a few words ought to be said. Thus, the Fifth of November is still observed here, and many a boy looks forward to the night with a beating heart. Squibs and crackers are ignited freely, and guys are ried round. Again, the First of May sees many children in procession in the village with garlands of gay flowers, among them often to be seen being the shy bluebell and the little campion's darling pink. 46 THE END. The Upshire method of haying is very interesting. The grass is allowed to grow until it is considered by the farmer to be long enough to cut. It is then cut, usually in these degenerate days by machine, and left to dry in the sun for a day or so. After that the haymakers pile it into the waggons, and it is carried to whatever part of the field has been decided upon beforehand by the farmer, whose word is law in Upshire, and made into a stack. If the hay is not sufficiently dry there is a chance of combustion, and several rick fires have occurred in this county from time to time. 66 6 Our Reliable Press. 'Quite correct,' wrote Lord The Long Arm of Coincidence. leading a hunted existence disguised as an itinerant lecturer of the Cobden Club. Sir GILBERT PARKER had cleverly contrived to get himself deported to the Continent as an objectionable alien. Under cover of the gown of a City Temple verger Lord HUGH CECIL had eluded the Revolutionary police.. Lord AVEBURY, who had pluckily emerged from a safe retreat to publish an article on" Proportional Guillotining," was seized by 8 brutal crowd and cast into a cell in company with ten hives of infuriated bees. 66 But the interest of the day centred round Whitehall, for the news had been spread that the Ex-Premier was to be brought to the scaffold. A special article had appeared in The Daily Mirror, How to see the Execution.' The Evening News had provided platform tickets for all advertisers in its previous day's issue. Three-quarters of an hour after the advertised time-not even on this occasion could he be punctual-the Ex-Premier stepped on to the scaffold. He gazed blandly through his glasses at the infuriated mob, and observed to the executioner, We must take these things as they come. The click of photographic cameras was cessant. The Ex-Premier sighed and said, "I feel thoughts arising in my mind which the world would not willingly lose. Can anyone oblige me with a half-sheet of note-paper?' 66 in The chief summer game of the county is cricket, but in the winter the lads prefer football. There is no pleasanter sight than an Upshire village green, among the mounds and ant-hills of which two honest teams A great silence fell upon the crowd are engaged in what BYRON has called as they realised that the doomed "cricket's manly toil," his lordship, man was defining his fiscal position who often visited Upshire, having 28, his cricket being characterised ry for the 121st time. The silence was been, in spite of his lameness, no patience."-Athletic News. broken by a shriek of A Chip of the Old Block. for Votes for |