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I heard G. Roberts (the one who had taken me into society) preach from these words, our soul is escaped

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as a bird out of the snare of the fowlers, the snare is broken and we are escaped."

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June 14, these words afforded my soul great comfort; "I will not leave you comfortless, but we will come unto you, and take up our abode with you." And whilst retired in devotion, my soul did taste of the powers of the world to come.

24th, I was still satisfied that it would be my duty to preach the gospel, though several reasons occurred to my mind against it-viz. 1st. According to human appearance, my bodily strength would not endure the fatigues and inclemencies of the weather, which must attend such a life.—2dly. My parents and relations would be against my travelling, from whom I must meet with much opposition. 3dly. My weakness and want of learning, and my abilities did not seem adequate to the task; but upon hearing my father read this expression in Whitfield's sermons, "where reason fails, there faith begins," my mind was strengthened to meditate on the work.

Sunday, October 5th, was the first time that I (with a trembling mind) attempted to open my mouth in public vocal prayer in the society.

A little previous to this time, upon considering what I must undergo if I entered upon the public ministry, I began to feel discouraged, and had thoughts of altering the situation of my life to excuse me from the work; but could get no peace of mind until I gave them entire ly up, though my trials in this respect were exceeding great.

November 14th. About this period, I attempted to speak a few words of exhortation in public, which my parents hearing of gave me tender reproof, (which was like a sword to my heart), fearing lest I should run too fast.

One day, I felt imprest to exhort again, but fearing the reproof of my relations, (as the old enemy was now raised) I neglected my duty, in order to shun the cross; but horror and condemnation seized upon my mind; and I began to reflect, if in the beginning of my pilgrimage I

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have such trials to encounter with, what will it be if I attempt to go into the vineyard to face a frowning world? nay, let the consequence be what it may, saved or damned, I am resolved I will not preach the gospel; and if ever one felt the pains of the damned in this world, it appeared to me that I did.

I was willing to be a private member of society, but not a public character. I had rather retire to some remote part of the earth and spend my days; but could not feel myself excused from preaching the gospel.

Filled with horror and darkness whilst awake, with fearfulness and frightful dreams by night, for near the space of four weeks; when one night I was awaked by surprise, and in idea there were represented to my view two persons, the one by the name of Mercy with a smiling countenance, who said to me, if you will submit and be willing to go and preach, there is mercy for you," *(he having a book in his hand :) the other by the name of Justice with a solemn countenance, holding a drawn glittering sword over my head, added, "if you will not submit, you shall be cut down now or never." It appeared to me that I had but one half hour for consideration, and if I still persisted in obstinacy, that it would be a gone case for ever,

I put my hands together, and said, Lord I submit to go and preach thy gospel: only grant my peaceful hours to return; and open the door.

At the dawn of day, I arose and withdrew to the wilderness to weep and mourn before God; at length the light of his countenance shined into my soul, and I felt humble under his mighty hand; willing to become any thing as God should see fit.

About this time, I made known to my parents the exercise of my mind, which previously I had kept from them: they immediately began to oppose me in this thing; and advised me to reject it by all means, concluding it to be a temptation, as it appeared to them an impossibility, that I should be called to such a work as this; which apparently I could not fulfil.

1795, July 16th. Last night, the hand of the Lord was heavy upon me-I was much afflicted in body and mind-in body, by the want of breath, so that I was

scarcely able to exist (by reason of my asthmatical disorder in mind, by much heaviness; whilst the enemy suggested, "you will never go forward in public, because of the weakness of your body and the violence of your disorder; and you are deluded by that impression which you think is from God: besides none will equip you out, and you will one day perish by the hand of Saul." Here my faith was greatly tried, for I saw no way for my equipment, unless the hand of the Almighty should interpose; for my parents had hinted already that they would neither give their consent nor assistance; my discouragements therefore became exceedingly great.

August 4th. I feel tried and tempted by the world, the flesh, and the devil, and if I think of pursuing any other course of life but that of preaching, I sink into horror and find no peace in any other way.

22d. About this time, my mind was much exercised concerning the doctrines of unconditional election and final perseverance. I dreamed that I saw Adam and Eve in the garden of Eden, and God after talking to them as written in Genesis, said, I shall be faithful on my part; and it depends upon your being faithful to the end, to receive a crown of glory: but if you are not faithful you will be exposed to the damnation of hell, and then said to me, write these things, for they are true and faithful.

October 28th, being greatly pressed in spirit, for a number of days, to know my father's will; whether (provided a door was opened) he would give his cousent for me to go out to travel, or whether he would withhold me by his authority, when I think the time is come that I should go. He said, I shall not hinder you; only give you my old advice, not to harbour the thought, and I shall not give you any help. I told him I did not desire any help, only liberty of conscience. I concluded that my father thought that some persons and not God had raised such thoughts in my mind, which occasioned him to restrain me, so I told him if this was the case, that he judged the matter wrong.

November 9th, being again tried in my mind with regard to preaching; fearing lest I should run too fast or

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too slow, and querying from what quarter my impression I dreamed that I was walking in the solitary woods beside a brook, and saw a beautiful stalk about eight feet high: from the middle and upwards, it was covered with beautiful seeds. I heard a voice over my head, saying to me, "shake the stalk that the seeds may fall off, and cover them up the seed will be of great value to some though not to thyself, but thou shalt receive thy reward hereafter."

I shook the stalk and beautiful speckled red seed fell off, and I covered them up with earth and rotten leaves, and went on my way to serve the Lord.

Some time after, I thought I was there again, and saw a large number of partridges or pheasants that had been scratching up a great part of the seed. I discovered them and was very sorry, and went and drove them away; and watched it to keep them away, that the remainder, with my nourishing, might bring forth fruit to perfection.

Then I thought I began to preach, and immediately awaked, when the parable of the sower came strongly into my mind.

19th. My mind has been buffeted and greatly agitated (not tempted in the common sense of the word) so that my sleep departed from me, and caused me to walk and wring my hands for sorrow. Oh, the corruption of vicked nature! I feel the plague of an hard heart, and a mind prone to wander from God; something within which has need to be done away, and causes a burthen, but no guilt, and from which discouragements frequently arise tending to slacken my hands.

I dreamed that I saw a man in a convulsion fit, and his countenance was expressive of hell. I asked a bystander what made his countenance look so horriblesaid he, "the man was sick and relating his past experience, his calls from time to time, and his promises to serve God; and how he had broke them; and now, said he, I am sealed over to eternal damnation, and instantly the convulsion seized him." This shocked me so much that I instantly awaked, and seemingly the man was before my eyes.

I dropped asleep again, and thought I saw all man

kind in the air suspended by a brittle thread over hell yet in a state of carnal security. I thought it to be my duty to tell them of it, and again awaked: and these words were applied to my mind with power; "there is a dispensation of the gospel committed unto you, and woe unto you if you preach not the gospel." I strove to turn my mind on something else, but it so strongly followed me that I took it as a warning from God; and in the morning to behold the beautiful sun to arise and shine into the window, whilst these words followed"and unto you that fear my name, shall the Sun of Righteousness arise, with healing in his wings." Oh! how happy I felt the help of kings and priests is vain without the help of God.

December 31st, the year is now at a close, I see what I have passed through, and what is to come the ensuing year, God only knows; but may the God of peace be with me; and grant me strength in proportion to my day, that I may endure to the end and receive the crown of life. I felt my heart drawn to travel the world at large, but to trust God by faith (like the birds) for my daily bread, was difficult, as my strength was small, and I shrunk from it.

1796.

•J

CHAP. III.

MY BEGINNING TO TRAVEL.

ANUARY 7th, I received a message, with orders from C. Spry, the circuit preacher, to go to Tolland to the brethren there, for a few days, that he might get some knowledge of my gifts: this visit caused some opposition. Afterwards, I was directed to go and meet L. Macombs, a preacher on New-London circuit, who after two days constrained me to part with him, so I turned and went to East-Hartford, (having my brother-in-law's horse with me:) in this place I attended several meetings-from thence to Ellington, where I met C. Spry-who directed me to fulfil three of his appointments, (Warehouse-point, East-Windsor, and Wapping, (at one of which, whilst speaking, I was taken suddenly ill, even to the losing of my sight and strength, so I was constrained to give over.

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